Bayonetta: A thesaurus’ worth of synonyms for ‘silly’
CSU Cauldron
Bayonetta: A thesaurus’ worth of synonyms for “silly”
I know it’s a little late, but it’s only been a few months,
so Bayonetta is still relevant, right? This mythically confusing game is none
other than Sega’s next gaming aborti…I mean feat, this time
courtesy of fledgling developer Platinum Games, creators of well-loved titles
like Okami and Viewtiful Joe. To say the story of this game is
convoluted would be understatement of the century material. On my second playthough, I tried following it
only to end up with migraines as a result.
Bayonetta, the
titular main character, starts out as a 500 year old witch without any memory
of her past (Fan effing tastic). You’re hounded incessantly by a journalist
convinced that you killed his father upon your ‘revival’ from the bottom of a
pond, and as a result of, wants to kill you all kinds of dead.In case you were
curious, you had been tossed there as punishment for being naughty by your
mother (or fellow witch sister…don’t ask) Jeanne, some years back. You find a
little girl carrying around a doll that’s supposed to be a cat, the most unfortunate
cat ever to be seen, and, of course, you
have to keep her safe throughout the rest of the game.
Does your head hurt yet?
Without giving anything
away, the whole reason this kid is in the story at all is so one of the bosses
can snack on her and revive themselves/become a god. Luckily, the journalist,
who is now torn between wanting to kill you and throw you down and mount you,
acts as babysitter while you go obliterate angels and lesser deities.
Unfortunately he fails (Shock of the century!), meaning no special fun time for
him, and thus we have what some may confuse for a plot.
Does your head hurt now? If not, kudos, and let’s move onto
gameplay.
You start out simply fighting with fists, feet, and a gun
attached to each, that’s right kids; she has guns embedded in her
(impractically high) heels. As the game progresses, you do get stronger
weapons…all of which serve the purpose they were created for. You get a katana,
claws that switch from fire to lighting seemingly whenever they please, a whip
that can hit enemies at least a full screen away, and shotgun…again, for your
feet. Thus giving you an overly vast arsenal in which to penetrate your enemies
no no places.
Being a witch
evidently allows you to pull off moves that no one could do…even with bones of
jello, and you’ll come to find out that any attack, any attack at all, can be
dodged triggering ‘witch time’ which is suspiciously similar to bullet time, an
innovation that has been overused by everyone from Max Payne to Uwe Bol. This
simply means (for those of you that have been living under a rock for years
upon years) that time slows down, allowing Bayonetta to score a free combo on
anyone she fights, bosses included.
Almost as the game
starts, you learn how to do ‘torture’ attacks. These are finishing moves for
normal enemies, much in the same way that ‘climax’ (insert joke here) moves are
finishing moves for bosses. Both require a quick time event to enable, and
haphazardly fast mashing of one of the face buttons afterwards to increase the
damage dealt by this silly (I’m running out of words that mean absurd) attack.
Upon activation, enemies are kicked into an Iron Maiden or a Guillotine, or
other equally fun and abusive forms of torture. The forms these attacks take
for bosses are even more bizarre; all of your hair (which it turns out is
actually the skin tight catsuit you wear) covers only your cash and prizes,
penetrates the ground, and appears behind the boss in the form of a dragon, a
centipede, or a bird to devour, constrict, or plow into then devour the boss. After each level, you’re graded on your
performance. Taking no damage while violating your enemies in every way you can
think of earns you a Pure Platinum medal (basically this games version of those
gold stars you sought but never really deserved in kindergarten).
All that silliness being said, this game was a ton of fun.
Sure the story couldn’t be deciphered by astrophysicists or the founders of
MENSA, and the gameplay is akin to Devil May Cry on ecstasy; but once you get
used to or over those two things, it’s a blast. I did feel disappointed that
the game beat me to all of the innuendos that I tried to make, but got over
that very quickly when I realized that this isn’t meant to be taken
seriously…and is indeed meant to be as ridiculous as it sounds. The bosses are as epic as you would think,
there are midboss check points, there isn’t any stupid unnecessary weapon
upgrading, and a select few of you will enjoy this game in the worst possible
way. Try it.
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